• Inspector Con Vikshun

Crimewatch: On the Beat, Apr 2021

Hot Property: Low Income Single Dad Cars

Image: Northern Beaches Police Area Command

Covid-19 has had an unprecedented impact on the world’s propensity toward unbearable overuse of the word ‘unprecedented’, but also on the unprecedented upward surge in used car prices. However, with the increase in value across the full automobile spectrum of what were collectively referred to pre-Covid as “absolute sh*tboxes” comes the inevitable scourge of Gone in Sixty Seconds high stakes skullduggery, being cited as a likely factor in the mysterious disappearance of this (pictured) 1988 VL model Commodore, taken from an address at Forestville. For nigh on three decades, owners of 1980’s mass-produced Holdens, Fords, Nissans and Toyotas could rest easy, knowing their A to B wagon with the dinky clutch, sagging carpet ceiling and thigh-munching synthetic trim was as safe to leave unlocked anywhere as its owner was of being approached by a top notch sheila in a singles bar. How times have changed. If you can help with information as to the whereabouts of the pictured car, rapidly rising in value as we speak, please call Dee Why Police.


Corso Harry, Turbo Hammy, Bathroom Slippy

When Irish film director Neil Patrick Jordan was making casting decisions for his seminal film sensation, Interview with the Vampire, he first scoured the Manly Sea Eagles First Grade squad for potential thespian talent, having heard tell from Bunnies devotee Rusty Crowe that the Seagz superstar first-graders were overwhelmed by an unshakeable all-night-magnetism to Manly Corso, and would be perfectly equipped to cinematically portray sunlight-circumventing blood-imbibers with lengthy fangs and wondrously permed follicles. Alas, the roles went to Hollywood insiders, but the fact remains, Sea Eagles players can’t help but be frightfully exposed to the dusk till dawn allure of the Manly Corso arena, a scientific fact exposed most recently by unknown speed freak “Harry” who challenged local hero Tommy Turbo to an impromptu midnight Stawell Gift foot race shuffle on the world famous Harbour to Surf promenade. Unperturbed by a horror run of gammy hammy career concerns, Turbo proceeded to get flogged by Harry. As we all know now, Tommy Second Gear fronted the media soon after to claim an embarrassing slip in the bathroom was the culprit for his re-strained posterior thigh musculature. Yeah mate. What’s critical to be asked now however, who is Harry?! Why doesn’t Dezzy have him running out proudly in the number 1 Jersey onto Lottoland when the season kicks off? If you know Harry, please call Sea Eagles top brass immediately. Be warned, the suspect is fast as lightning.


From Brooky with Love: Pam 007

Scam artists are drawn to the Insular Peninsula like seagulls to hot chips, newborns to nipples and real estate agents to down-sizing Boomers, intensely, and one of the incoming scam artists’ preferred modes of swindling is to call up random punters, launching straight into an authoritative spray like, “This is Gavin from the Australian Taxation Office. We’ve found some serious anomalies with your tax files”. Obviously a very effective strategy with no shortage of Insular residents housing rhinoceros-sized skeletons in their BAS closets. I digress. Back on topic. Pamela, of Brooky, found herself recently on the receiving end of precisely this sort of scam operation, a caller claiming Pam’s TFN was associated with criminal activity and her best course of action to ensure clemency was to provide the caller with all sorts of personal information. Pam turned the tables, speaking seductively with a sultry voice no scammer could resist, obtaining the man’s name and number on the promise of an imminent rendezvous of consenting adults in a relaxed setting. Stay tuned for more juicy crime-stopping details.

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