Crimewatch: On the Beat, Issue 1, Dec 2020
Updated: Mar 27
Cliffside Puppy Rescue
Out and about for a stroll along the resplendent Clontarf track, a woman watched on in horror as her puppy’s overzealous lizard chasing antics culminated in the adorable canine tumbling uncontrollably over the edge of a cliff. The lizard was fine, but owner and pooch were instantly separated by sheer vertical rock in the searing arvo sun. Calling Police for help, Fire & Rescue crews quickly responded. Men in blue fearlessly retrieved the lonely pup from the Apocalypto depths of despair. While the owner was beyond grateful for the Rescuers’ valiant actions, it’s unsure whether or not the growing pup gained a true understanding of the dangers inherent in the do-or-die blood sport of lizard chasing. A stint in dog training school may prove beneficial.
Icey Fairlight Flip Flops
It’s important to keep cool this summer, but stashing ice in your flip flops is not the way to go about it. Detectives from Northern Beaches Police Area Command seized 1kg of methylamphetamine, concealed in the soles of dozens of pairs of a Fairlight man’s thongs. Despite winning Inspector Con Vikshun’s coveted Most Sublimely Strayan Skullduggerous Act of the Month, a prestigious award no question, this 32-year old illicit cobbler faces the distinct likelihood of a lifetime confined to cell bound soul searching, pondering his misdeeds to the sacred double plugger icon of Aussie pedal clobber.
A Tree is not a Toilet
Police continue to shake their heads at the public’s persistent inability to keep their trouser snakes in their pants when out and about, regardless how full to overflowing their bladders may reportedly be. It will come as no surprise that the typical excuses, “I was busting sir” or “I could die of uromysotisis poisoning you know mate” or “I wanted to go at the Manly Wharf car park toilets, but I walked down the stairs and thought I’d probably be murdered because that place is deadset bloody horrifying”, these rarely see wizzing perpetrators escape hefty fines of up to $660 and/or 3 months' imprisonment. Interestingly enough, the “A Tree is not a Toilet” campaign has proven remarkably successful for the 164 hours of the week that don’t clash with Saturday midnight to Sunday 4am. A statistical anomaly, surely.