Property: The Australian Dream, Issue 2, Jan 2021
Rates Free Falling, Home Prices Soaring
Aspiring Northern Beaches property magnates saw the writing on the wall in 1996’s seminal Jerry Maguire as the fictional show-me-the-money-protagonist’s nadir coincided with Tom Petty’s Free Fallin’ juke box classic blasting through Tommy Boy’s car stereo as he drove cross country dreaming of big pay days ahead and Val Kilmer’s sublime U.S. Air Force uniform-filling Top Gun buttocks behind. You complete me.
While a masterful moment in cinematic history for some, the puppeteers pulling global monetary policy strings, along with Northern Beaches soon-to-be property portfolio multi-millionaires, knew the score; interest rates for the next quarter of a century were to begin their Free Fallin’ trajectory, so much so that by 2020 a quarter of the world’s squillion dollars of debt now bear negative interest rates. A Pandemic of international financial institutions today deem it prudent to pay to lend money. It’s a highly infectious disease.
While this may all seem completely insane because, clearly, it is, the clever cookies at the cutting edge of earning money for jam have used this once in an eternity opportunity to make the greatest play of all, up there with the Eagle’s “merger” with the Bears, and have borrowed big bucks, pinning their ears back to purchase bricks and mortar like drunken sailors, watching proudly as the capital appreciation of their tens and hundreds of “homes” shoot exponentially skywards and their supposed cost of borrowing becomes another valuable income stream. Thank you muchly. Not only is renting “dead money”, directly funding someone else’s investment, rent costs are now significantly higher than monthly mortgage repayments. Welcome to the new world order of fiscal lunacy.
With more and more people realising this wondrous sleight of hand and racing headlong into property ownership, calmly in possession of mountains of debt that would’ve once made your average Joe’s head explode, how long will it be before a housing bubble, built upon the sturdy foundations of negative interest rates, is burst beyond all recognition? Well, as a keen analyst of Sydney property since Tom Cruise’s Risky Business, I’d say, never. Buy!
The Eddie Mabo of Bower St
Don’t let the 8 bedrooms, 10 bathrooms and sweeping panoramic views lure you into concluding life’s swell for QC Ric Salty, a disgruntled Bower Street home “owner”. After re-watching The Castle, inspired by Dennis Denuto, Bud Tingwell and Eddie Mabo, Salty’s decided he can’t, in good conscience, continue living on land owned by George Pell’s employers. Despite protestations from wife, colleagues and the Archdiocese, the Bower Street QC looks all set to mount his “Operation Cabbage Tree Bay William Wallace My Land Freedom From Tyranny On Just Terms Bless You Eddie” legal proceedings.
SOLD Sign Sticker-Uppering the Best Show in Town
Covid’s decimated live entertainment but innovative real estate agents at Freshwater’s Millennium 2.1 are attracting new clients by transforming the once mundane SOLD sticker-uppering act into a Tina Turner Simply the Best performance. Their recent sale of a West Freshie ground floor studio for 3.45million dollars was accompanied by cheerleaders handing out champagne bottles with sparklers to ogling punters while lead agent, Paul Ng-MeeLeg, jumped Johnny Utah style from a skywriting plane - which went on to write SOLD in classic running writing style across the clear blue sky - while Paul parachuted with precision to terra firma, giving the crowd a quick forward somersault, backwards moon walk, another forward somersault, then culminating with supreme confidence, sticker-uppering the SOLD sign with unblemished flatness.